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Wednesday, 10 December 2008

hey guys!
my apologies, i know it's been a long time since i last blogged / saw you guys, but work's been taking up a LOT of my time, as is Jase. so yes, we gotta get together some time and hang out / catch up.
unfortunately, i'm not free most days: only mondays and thursdays. but not this week, so ... we could catch up sometime next week during the day...

Wednesday, 26 November 2008

you're so unbelievably selfish sometimes. you're supposed to be one of my best friends, and yet you can manage to pull so many stunts that test the boundaries of our friendship. you don't ever seem to realise the negative effect on the people around you, merely as a result of the shit you stir up. you don't even seem to give a damn about how much we all worry about you.
we spend so much time, not to mention some sleepless nights trying to figure out a solution for you, trying to make you happy with your life. yet you seem to shrug all our well-meaning advice away. you complain so much about having no true friends, having no one who truly cares about you. why then, do you make it so hard for us to care, to get close to you?
i once thought i knew you. i now know that i was sadly mistaken. we all seem to get glimpses of the true you, the person underneath that mask of cruelty, giving us hope that we were slowly beginning to understand you. but sooner than later, all that truth is swept away again under the mask, hiding from us, from the world.
personally i wouldn't care about hiding from the world. i've done that millions of times, hiding under a mask of happiness to cover the pain in my heart. fine. so hide from the world. don't bother making friends. treat everyone you meet like shit. that sits fine with me.
pardon me if i don't want to intro you and invite you along when i'm out with normal people. my apologies, what am i thinking? of course i should invite you. then, on the day, ruin the day because:
1) i walk with my bf side by side, thus forcing you to be with the other girls.
now, under ordinary circumstances, you know, if i'm dealing with another normal girl (in the loosest definition possible), that's okay. cos the normal girl would start a convo, and integrate herself into the convo. now, you. when it comes to you, i know you well enough to know that you'd just be ignoring them, and bitch at them when they talk to you. thus making you look like a bitch. which, well, you kinda are. to new girls, i mean. and guys too.
2) i ignore my bf, and the other girls, and just hang with you.
sure, i'll look like an absolute bitch. hell, i should ignore all my other friends and just be with you. of course that's what i should do. never mind that they'd hate me after that. never mind what i want to do. the whole day should be focused on you.
ah, yes. the fated incident where i apparently told you that i would be 'at home alone with jason all day'. you've known me for 8 years. in three years time, we would've been friends for half your life. you know that when you call me at 8, and i sound strained on the phone, my parents are listening. hence your question "are you at home with jason all day tomorrow" could only be answered with a 'yes', indicating that i was busy tomorrow. yes, i suppose i could've smsed you. but you've been so shitty lately i just seriously couldn't be fucked. oh, and i didn't want to invite you. yeah, my bad.
there's a fine line between 'hiding from the world' and 'acting like a depressed, bitchy, emo kid'. learn it. stay away from the depressed emo kid, it ain't good for you, or for any of us, who have had to deal with your moodswings since year 11, when it all started.
ahh, yes. the other occasion. mhmm. i keep telling people that there are only so many ways to actually manage to piss me off. calling my girlfriend, is, coincidentally, one of those ways. do that, and keep bitching about her when she doesn't deserve a word of it, and yeah, i'm going to tell her about it. i don't really appreciate backstabbers. i don't say anything behind anyone's back that i wouldn't say to their faces. if you haven't got something nice to say, that's cool. say it if you like, but don't fucking get mad if it gets back to the person. (it's a whole other story if you've managed to swear me into secrecy)
personally, i think it's assumed that if you bitch about someone behind their back, it's expected to get back to them somehow. yes, i guess people can call me a hypocrite for this. hell, i know i backstab heaps. but then, i rarely bitch about anything that i haven't already either personally told the 'thing' or have someone else blab to the 'thing'. big whoop. you ever hear me chucking a psych about "OMG YOU TOLD HER/HIM I SAID THAT? I'LL KILL YOU~ WHY WOULD YOU DO THAAAAT?"
*scoff* honestly, it's like you never went to a girl school at all. this shit happens a lot. GET USED TO IT. if you haven't, tough. you should know by now exactly how protective i can get. hell, you've witnessed it first hand. why do you insist on carrying out these charades, when we both know that there's no real purpose to it?
the world does not revolve around me. nor does that mean it revolves around you. grow up. get over high school shit, get over the fact that not everyone spends their free time pining to hang with you. sure, when you're in a good mood, you're the fucking life of the party. everyone loves you. hell, that's why i love you. but when you're in a shitty mood, don't vent it by taking it out on others. it's not cool, man.

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

it's interesting to note how one small event can change how a person views the world. i'm not talking large, life-altering experiences like, say, nearly getting bulldozed by oncoming traffic. no, i'm talking about relationships around you in the world.
there's so much love in the air, or so they claim. yet recently i've seen some things that make me lose hope in humanity, not that there was much to lose in the first place. Personally, what's really surprising is that i can feel her pain, more tangible and violent than if it were me in that situation.
personally, i haven't gone through exactly the same experiences she has, and i do not have the right to empathise how she feels. however, i can still feel her pain, as clearly as i would feel in her position, if not more. interestingly, i wouldn't feel as much pain and righteous anger as i would if i were in her position.
the world is so cruel, allowing you to meet people who give you hope, allowing you to dream, showing you true happiness, and then ripping it away and crushing the hope fiercely with the entrance of a heartless fag. Life would've been easier if everyone came with warning tags: "be careful, i am actually a dick, but i'll only reveal it after you date me for a year" or "you don't know it, but i'm actually a racist, and i'll only reveal it after crushing you heartlessly". But even if it were so, there would still be those of us who will ignore the signs, surging forth in a useless effort to change the person, because what we feel is genuine, true love. Even if our friends tell us that this type of love is self-destructive, damaging, we can't do anything about it. Don't they realise that if we could try control it, we would?
i don't mean to sound critical, or demeaning. hell, i went through a similar rough patch in my past that i'd rather not remember. the point you should realise is that it's not you. it never is. and i actually mean it, unlike those assholes who use that as a line which actually means "yeah, it's you". no guy is worth tears, ever. especially not guys like that. you can do better, and you will. and yeah, it'll take a while for the pain to go away, that's true. but there is a guy out there who makes all the downs worthwhile.
whatever happened to being a gentleman? i know i keep saying chivalry's dead, but can't you men be nicer? what do you get out of it by being a douche? would you really gain nothing from treating her well, giving her a chance? you have everything to lose, and nothing to gain, just simply by being a careless dickhead about it.
how can you live with yourself, knowing that you've hurt her so? doesn't a little part of you die just because you were so cruel with someone so lovely and nice?
you're just an asshole, a no-good, retarded, dickless asshole. and if you ever cross my path again, accident or otherwise, i will make you pay for every tear you've caused.

-- this entry was written on November 18, 2008, and as such, has been backdated to reflect that.

Saturday, 04 October 2008

Why can't they just let me be? They never seemed to realise - the more they check up on me, the more they control me, the less i'll ever want to do with them... the less hard i'm willing to try for them. i'd fight to protect my loved ones, those dear to me, and do what it takes to ensure they do not get hurt.
yes, i would even fight to protect them. heartless as they are, cruel as they can be, they did raise me, and i do not forget those who were good to me, even for a little while.
i do not recall my childhood, as my memories are tainted with the torment of the abuse they put me through. but i'm sure there were happy times.
unfortunately in my mind, they have been cast away, among those braincells lost during their reign, or shadowed by the horror they've put me through.
ah, yes. i would fight to protect them. it is the right thing to do. but i wouldn't fight nearly as hard for them as i would, say... for Her. i wish they could be like Her. Can't they just accept that i'll always be me? i mean, their positive influence obviously won't help much.
And then there's you.
Can't you understand that sometimes i just don't want to talk about them? Can't you even take the hint that i want to be left alone? Don't you see? if i do need you, i will come for you and seek your help. otherwise, it really isn't that much of your business anyway. you can't help me in this. you can't even cheer me up, at least a little, unlike Her.
She's good to me.
She knows the things to say to dry my tears, even if She's kilometres away. She doesn't nag, She never has - and She's never annoyed me to the large extent you have. She was always there for me, as i have been for Her.
when She smiles it's like the whole world is bright, i can actually see the colours, and appreciate what life is like. when She cries i see the cruelty the world can bestow, and how unfair life truly is.
i gave Her everything, and She returned the favour.
i know i can trust Her, believe in Her.
She would never betray me.
She knows what it's like.
She understands me.
Not like you.
Bugging me, nagging at me, annoying me. Sure, that'll make me want to open up to you. But it's not fair to compare you to Her. You aren't even like them.
You supported me through some of the hardest times of my life, being there for me when no one else has. But you've changed so much.
maybe it's me
whatever it is, i hate it. i wish things could go back the way it was. it's true what they say: ignorance is bliss.
you used to understand me so much...
used to be able to know my emotions without seeing or even hearing my voice.
seems that these days, all you know are words that don't mean a thing when your insides are in pieces.
but you wouldn't know what it's like, would you?
you tell me to be strong, to have patience, to endure it all. you have no idea. it's been nearly 20 years. well, 19 years, 11 months and 29 days, but who's counting? if enduring it could fix it, don't you reckon it would've by now?
but never mind. it doesn't concern you. you can't even imagine what it's like. you were given everything in life, and you don't even appreciate it.
you're so hard to understand.
but in honour of our ongoing 7 year friendship, i will try. for all that we've been through, this is just one more obstacle, a test of our friendship, right? things will righten itself out in the end. it'd better. i don't know how good my control is, but it should hold for this little test.
one day i'll snap.
but i can't. i won't let them win. i will not allow myself to be broken in front of them. they will never see the wreck that i will become. as for you, i cannot allow myself to unleash all the years of pent up frustration on you.
you're not special.
you're not worth it.
you're just not ...

Sunday, 14 September 2008

something random.

1) Name: Jaja
2) Male/Female: Female.
3) Were you named after anyone? nope, but according to my mother, there are like, 3 other people named after me. huh. go figure.
4) Does your name mean anything? It's meant to mean "beautiful jade" or someshit like that. whatever.
5) Nick Name(s): Jay, FrostyXx, Speedy
6) What do you think you look like: .. me?
7) Date Of Birth: 11/10
8) Place of Birth and Current Location: ShenZhen, Sydney
9) Nationality: Chinese
10) Astrology Sign: Libra
11) Chinese Astrology Sign: Dragon
12) Religion: not for me, thankyou.
13) What's your favourite smell? the smell of jase <3
14) Political Position? Whatever suits me.
15) What do you prefer to drink in the morning? coke.
16) Hair + Eye colour: black, with bits of pink, blue and random other colours in it, apparently. eye colour would be brown, like most other asians.
17) Do you look like anyone famous? No one I've heard of.
18) What do you look like? -see answer to question 6.
19) Any unusual talents? Don't think so.
20) Righty, Lefty, or Ambidextrous? Righty
21) Gay, Straight, Bi, or Other? Bi, i suppose. i'd say i lean towards "don't give a shit about gender"
22) What do you do for a living? mooch of parents + occasional mitre 10 work.
23) What do you do for fun? Browsing the Internet, shop, play games, etc.
24) What are your favourite art materials to work with? ... i don't like working with art, thanks.
25) What kind of materials would you like to work with? see above.
26) Have you met your grandparents? Yes. ... who wouldn't have?
27) Boyfriend / Girlfriend: boyfriend, with several girlfriends on the side.
28) Crush: isn't it taboo to crush when you already HAVE a boyfriend, much less several girlfriends on top of that?
29) What celebrity would you date if you could? tony parker. but goddamn, eva longoria-parker's got him T___T
30) Current worries? i dislike worrying over things i cannot change.
31) Favourite online Guy/Girl(s): um, what?
32) Favourite place to be? bball courts / kaz's house.
33) Least favourite place to be? my house.
34) Do you burn or tan? i'd say tan, but somehow my skin returns to its original colouring after a couple of days
35) Ever broke a bone? yep. both arms.
36) What is your favourite cereal? i hate cereal.
37) Person you cry with: i don't cry.
38) Any sisters: my brother's kinda like a sister, really.
39) Any brothers: see above.
40) Any pets: tomtom!
41) An Illness: nope, i rarely get sick.
42) A Pager: None
43) A Personal phone line: Nope.
44) A Cell phone: Yes.
45) A visible birthmark: yep, on my neck, right side.
46) A Pool or hot tub: Hot tub if it's clean.
47) A Car: one that sorta belongs to me. i pay for petrol, i'm also insured. meh.
48) Personality: hmm. *shrug* i like surprising people.
49) Driving: green p's!
50) Your clothing style: whatever i find / dig up.
51) Room: covered with bball posters on one side.
52) What's missing? some place that's mine.
53) School: UNSW
54) Bed: king single.
55) Relationship with your parent(s): crap.
56) Do you believe in yourself: Usually.
57) Do you believe in love at first sight?: I'd like to, but seriously...
58) Consider yourself a good listener: i'll be honest. hell no.
59) Have a future dream that you would like to share?: do i have a future dream? yes. but i'd like to share? no.
60) Get Along with your parents?: fucking hell, see answer to question 55.
61) Save your e-mail conversations: i keep a chat log. it's surprisingly useful.
62) Pray: depends. for people's deaths, for revenge, sure.
63) Believe in reincarnation: yep. there's only a limited amount of souls.
64) Brush your teeth twice a day? Yes. eww, who doesn't?
65) Like to talk on the phone: Yeah. easier to bitch.
66) Like to eat? love it.
67) Like to exercise? sure. gym 3 or 4 times a week, plus the bball...
68) Like to watch sports? NBA, tennis...
69) Sing in the car? why not?
70) What is a dream that you have all the time? killing my friends / getting killed.
71) Dream in colour: Always.
72) Do you have nightmares? Sometimes.
73) Sleep with a stuffed animal: Yes, many.
74) Right next to you: right now? um.. SLAM magazines, my poster collection...
75) On your favourite coffee cup? ... i don't have a specific cup.
76) On your mouse pad: it's one of those "support DELL" ones.
77) Your favourite flavour of gum? Fruity ones.
78) Your brand of deodorant? i don't really pick a brand, per say. i just choose whatever smells nice.
79) Your dream honeymoon spot: meh, wherever.
80) Hiding in your closet? I could do that if you wanted...
81) Under your bed: The floor.
82) The name of one of your closest/best friend? only one? hmm. Kaz. oh, wait. Jan. shit. um, let's see... Kajanntse. ehehe.
83) Your bad time of the day: Any time when I haven't had enough sleep.
84) Your worst fear(s): i'd like to keep that one to myself, thanks.
85) What's the weather like: Warming up.
86) Your favourite time of year?: Winter
87) Your favourite holiday? Christmas, because everyone gets into it.
88) A material weakness?: i dunno. i like my posters... if someone drew / ripped them up, i'd get damn pissed.
89) The weirdest food or drink that you like: Animal blood. I like my meat very rare. also: snake blood is surprisingly tangy and nice.
90) At the top of your "to-do list"? Save up money for a place to live.
91) The hardest thing about growing up: Can't rely on many people at all.
92) A pet peeve? People who don't keep promises.
93) Your scariest moment: Heh you'd all think I'm lying if I told you.
94) Your attitude about love? The real stuff is incomparable.
95) The funniest or most desperate thing you've done to get the attention of the opposite sex? That's for me to know from now on.
96) The worst feeling in the world: Burden that you can't get rectify.
97) The best feeling in the world: Overall- true love. Physical- orgasms.
98) Who sent this to you? Took it from _ellone_